Tuesday, June 26, 2007

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"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." (Helen Keller)

Monday, June 25, 2007

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"The devil has two horns: the horn of pride that says there is nothing we ought to do, and the horn of despair that says there is nothing we can do" -- Garret Keizer

Friday, June 22, 2007

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"But we sit here debating the meaning of justice
With self-righteous spin and an upper caste grin
We're still suffocating on quicksand indifference
Where no choice is ever that hard."
(By Caedmons Call, Innocent Corner)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

for my own record

mailed the I-600A form today.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

....

today has been another emotional day. we had a couple pastor's from our church return from a trip from africa. my sister and her husband also returned from their trip to sierra leone. and we got from them what could very possibly be the first pictures of our child. for some reason, it was all overwhelming to me.
adoption is so complex. africa is very complex. there are no easy answers.

i wrestled with andy some today about everything. and discussed much with my sister as well. and in the end, there is no clear answer. and that is so frustrating to me. i just so want to make a the right decisions. the right decisions for a child in africa. the right decisions for our family.

in the end, there is a heaviness on my heart that will not go away. i wonder if that is what "a calling" feels like? or i wonder if i am misinterpreting something?

and i wonder if these children are better in their own country...without families. or better in a foriegn land--that is so different and not superior to their own--but with the love of a family?

ugh.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

here's the deal.

The questions I get most often are 'how much is this costing' and 'how are you paying for it?'
The answers are 'a lot' and 'we don't know.'

Truth is adoption is expensive. It was one of our major concerns and fears. However, we were told not to let finances be a deciding factor in adoption. And we do believe that God will resource his call.

So this adoption will cost close to $25,000. That includes all fees and traveling expenses. We have simplified our lives very much the last year. Andy has taken on some extra jobs and we have saved every available penny. It has enabled us to start this process.

We did add a donation link to the side of this blog for this reason-- we have friends and family members who expressed a desire to be part of our journey in this way. Many of our dear friends and family have a heart that bleeds for the orphan and this was a way they could be involved in caring for them. Not everyone is in a position to adopt a child, but many want to support those who are taking on the responsibility of doing so. Of course, financial support is a huge blessing to us. And so for those who want to partner with us in this area, that's why it is there.

We will be applying for some grants and will take out a loan if need be. The adoption grant companies encourage families to first seek assistance from their support systems before going elsewhere. And we believe we do have some incredible people in our lives and so we are...

Our goal is to avoid debt in this process, to sacrifice all we can, and to be in a position to support another child in the family...and then trust God to meet our needs.

Monday, June 18, 2007

homestudy.

We had our first homestudy meeting today. I had completed a huge stack of paperwork and felt very prepared. We felt very comfortable with our social worker and it was much more laid back than I expected.
We now have to wait for DCI checks to go through which could take 6 weeks. Besides a floor plan of our house, I had all the other required paperwork done.
She didn't even ask to see my fire extinquisher and didn't notice the light bulbs I had replaced or the cushion covers I had washed in preparation for her visit. :-)

I feel peace tonight...which is nice. We are really praying the house sells during the next 6 weeks.
I still get waves of fear, but generally feel comfy in the palm of His hand....

Saturday, June 2, 2007

quiet

I had a little bit of quiet time in the car by myself last night. And like it seems to always be, my mind was filled with images and prayers and dreams of orphans in Sierra Leone. I know some of my dreams of an orphan free country and our family's involvement in it are simply incredilbly idealistic and down right unrealistic. But somehow they give me energy and for a person who is usually a realist to a fault, even the ability to dream like this is new ground for me. I do believe great change happens and lives are redeemed because people along the way were too passionate, too young to realize it was impossible.

In my own mind, I feel like I am bracing myself for the next year. I generally "feel" things very deeply and I imagine this year will be a bit traumatic in that way. The process, the wait, the travel, the stess, the joy, the struggle. I am not naive enough to think there will not be great pain involved as well. I found myself praying last night like this, "God, I'm really sorry. But I think this is going to be tough year. I am going to have to depend on you a lot and you are going to have to show up. I am going to have to trust you in ways I have never had to before. And I know we have asked a lot of you already in this family, and now we are doing this...." And then I stopped myself... it was as if I was apologizing to a friend for being such a high-maintenance friend. And I realized--God LOVES that. He wants me in places where I have to surrender on Him, where I have to trust Him, where I have to step out in blind FAITH, where I am constanly calling upon Him. If this brings me to greater dependance upon HIm, he is not annoyed, he is well pleased. I think I have missed that truth most of my life.

I remember feeling that way when Quincy was born. And although we did not choose that, it was a time of deep and profound intimacy with our Savior. It was a precious, precious blessing--one I would not trade for anything.

This time we in a sense choose it. We choose to put ourselves in a vulnerable and dependant position. And unlike the world tells us, and unlike dependance on a fellow human, we believe it is a place of power and obedience. In a small way, we are stepping out of the boat, and trusting that a hand will reach down when need be.